Listening: How to Develop this Super-skill of the Modern Workplace

We spend 80% of our waking hours communicating and 45% of the time we are in the listening mode. But are we really? According to lifehack.org, 90% of us are poor listeners. And before you congratulate yourself and claim to be in the 10% of high achievers, most of us only remember 25% to 50% of what we hear! Now add in that the pandemic that has forced many of us to connect and communicate via conference technology (think Zoom) and the difficulty of listening well takes another big hit.

Dos and Don'ts

“One of the best ways to be helpful and empathetic to others is to give others our focused attention and actively listen so we can truly hear what is being said.”

So, with all these distractions and barriers, why should we try to be better listeners? While there are many, here are just a few: to foster in environment of trust between individuals and teams, to create understanding and ultimately, to build better relationships with family, friends and co-workers.

Become an active and supportive conversation partner with 4 critical Dos and 1 Don’t.

1. BE PRESENT

We can hear much faster than we can speak so it is easy for our minds to wander. Additionally, there is the misguided idea that we can actually multi-task; not true, we actually task switch. Being present means building a discipline around learning to come back to the moment and focus only on what the speaker is saying and the emotions underlying their words (this is harder than you think). In your next conversation, notice if you do the following:

• Perform other tasks while listening

• Make eye contact with the speaker

• Nod your head in agreement with what the speaker is saying

2. LISTEN TO LEARN

Most of us listen to respond rather than focusing on what the speaker is saying and what it means to them. Our brains naturally want make sense of data and to categorize it. When we listen, we look for patterns and ideas that are similar to us. While that might be helpful for us, it is not for the speaker. The speaker wants to be heard and acknowledged. It’s about them, not us. Which leads to our next point…. What does listening to learn mean? What does it look like?

3. DON’T JUMP TO ADVICE

As social beings we are programmed to share our experiences, stories, and a wanting to create change. And while many of us do it because we want to be helpful, it is selfish. It turns the conversation away from focusing on the person we are listening to and on to ourselves. If someone doesn’t ask for our advice, they probably don’t want it. Instead of advice giving, we can create an environment of non-judgment and empathy. And if someone does ask for your advice, remember to share your stories and experience without telling others what to do. Additionally, ask if you can give suggestions and be sure to focus on giving information (without the advice).

4. ASK GOOD QUESTIONS

Most of us want to be helpful which is why we tend to fall into the advice trap. So, here’s a better way to be helpful; ask good questions. It not only shows you are listening but it helps you get more information and it helps the speaker to get more clarity. In this way, you both learn something new. Remember the best questions are open-ended and simple. Invite the speaker to think further, and use the right tone. My two-cents: Ask follow up questions. Almost nobody does this.

5. SUMMARIZE

If you have ever had the experience of being in the company of a good listener, you know it is not about getting great advice, it’s about having the space to figure things out, share an emotion, or bring something out into the open. It is rarely about having someone else solve the problem. Thoughts change when they are articulated, answers can be found. As a good listener, we can help our partner by sharing what we heard. This does not mean parroting back word for word what was said. It is more of a concise, high-level summary that includes the emotion and maybe even some constructive feedback.

As we learn to navigate a post-pandemic world, we will be challenged with more issues and an increased need to show our humanity. One of the best ways to be helpful and empathetic to others is to give others our focused attention and actively listen so we can truly hear what is being said. Ask yourself, or better yet, ask a trusted friend to give you feedback on your skill level on these five important listening strategies. In your next conversation, practice improving in the area you have identified. We all want to be “heard” so let’s aim to become “good listeners”.